I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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