I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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