I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
