I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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