my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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