I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
