Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
