I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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