under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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