He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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