i was born a porn star she said
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
