i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
