Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In other news, I just burned my penis
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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