how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
