i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
