new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
