Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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