someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
