I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
