Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
