Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
