That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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