I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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