You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
