my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
