take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
