Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
