I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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