Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
