On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
