Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
im on a boat
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