The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
