M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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