At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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