But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
