she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
