My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
