At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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