I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
