Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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