jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
