I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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