Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
