At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
