just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
