I think I died a long time ago.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
