Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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