a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
