I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
