I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
