Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
