I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
