I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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