the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
